Consequences of a Broken Heart

I have found that because I am a person who loves so truly, so passionately, and so deeply, that the heartache from losing that love can be utterly devastating.  And my heart has ached many times.  But every time, I somehow managed to pick myself up off the floor and jump right back into love again.  When I met Kevin, my husband, I had been broken so badly that I wasn't seeking out love.  But he snuck in under my radar whilst I was unaware.

This poem isn't about him.  I can still feel the anguish I was in when reading this poem.  But it is proof that there can be love and happiness after the rain has fallen.  And a broken heart doesn't have to stay broken forever.  ( I wrote this poem just a month shy of my 21st birthday.)

Consequences of a Broken Heart

Finding the light in a sea of darkness
Only to realize that the light isn't real
Searching for some kind of hope
Maybe a beginning, or maybe the end
Looking beauty right in the face
And turning away because it hurts your eyes
Dots on the horizon have no meaning
Reaching into the ground for anything
And finding that there was never something there
Holding on tight to whatever will respond
Playing games with the darkness and the light
Believing that one day it will all make sense
So tired of wanting there to be more
Knowing that what's there should be good enough
Tempted to play the little games
The ones that cause the most hurt and pain
Running away from the simple truths
Waiting for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
Feel the rain pour down on your face
Reduce yourself to almost nothing
Flee the scene before they realize it was you
Only to get caught in the end

April 13, 2002
j.l.h

A blink of an eye!

Time flies by like the blink of an eye.  Its funny how you stumble upon things from your past and think wow, that feels just like yesterday.  Well, this blog is one of those.  I've decided I need to open my writing outlet back up to help me to relieve stress, and regain stability in my ever rocking world.  SO much has changed in the 6 years that I have stepped away from this blog.  But I won't go into all those boring details. 

I plan to continue to post my older poetry and begin to write new stuff.  I feel like I have a lot I want to say, and I don't want to lose this momentum or burst of creative energy!  Thank you for following along with me as I navigate the crazy world inside my own head.....

j.l.thomas

Until the Day I Die

The days turn into nights and still I have not found myself
I was lost in my search for never-ending power, and now, I remain searching for my soul
All hope was and is lost
For I am nowhere to be found
My tears have turned to rivers and streams
And there is no more joy left in my heart
The sadness is overwhelming me, and I'm falling deeper and deeper still
All of this because of you, because of what you to do me
My feelings are arousing inside of me, and I feel as if I'll burst
My life is being destroyed, yet there is nothing I can do
For your power over me surpasses my own
I used to think you were my life, and now I know you're not
For I know that I will go on living without you
Until the very day I die


j.l.hayes

Wow!

Okay so I know that it has been like so long since I have posted anything here. But in my own defense, I have been super busy. My calendar looks like a a prominent CEO's to-do list...okay it's not that bad, but I have really never been this busy with "things" since I can remember. It feels good though to be busy. To be needed and wanted and to actually have a purpose to fulfill other then that of caring for my daughter. Makes me feel like a grown-up again (as if that was possible). I have also been dealing with so many conflicting things in my life. My past has been a huge set back for me lately. As I mentioned a few months ago, the issues of suicide and depression have been pulling at my heart. And in this lesson, i have seen that dealing with my own past demons had been really strange for me. It is especially hard for me, because I no longer see that person in me....that destructive self-hating person that I was. But others till do...even those close to me. Can that mean that I am living in a state of denial? That what I think and feel on the inside is not how the world really perceives me on the outside? To this day, I strongly believe that because of my grandmothers prayers for me, I am alive today. My grandmother passed away in January, and it was very sudden and very hard for all of us. I do know that she prayed for me constantly.....she needed to. I needed someone to pray for me or who knows what might have happened in my life or where I might be....that really is a horrible thing to think about. But because she prayed for me I am here.  Her faith was the light in my darkness.  I am so thankful that I had her in my life.

Zoey turns 2 today

Today is Zoey's 2nd birthday and to say that I am in a state of shock would be an understatement. She is growing and changing so fast, and I am afraid that I am not going to be able to keep up. I already see that she is going to have to be one that I keep a constant eye on, for she has no fear, and I worry that as she gets older, that could get her into some sticky situations. I just pray that God will give me the strength to be able to handle all of the little things that she will throw my way, and that i will be able to handle tham with a grain of salt, and not my horrible temper! It really is amazing, these tiny little creatures, children. So full of life and energy. If only I had that much energy! 2 really is such a great age....if you can get by the apprent disobedience and disrespect....but at 2 what do they really know about these things. Thats why it is our jobs as parents to help them through this and come out obedient, self-disciplined, respectful children on the other side. My life isn't perfect...but I wouldn't change a thing!!

Letting Go of Fear

LETTING GO OF FEAR

I've always been about the chase

But I seem to forever end up in the same place

I must admit that I am one to fall

I can only say that in this world I feel small

Growing and learning is all I live for

Sometimes I feel like you're closing the door

A door that has been many times shut to me

There are so many possibilities for us that I see

I close my eyes and hope that my intuitions aren't right

That you are not slowly shutting out the light

The blackened sky and the bright shining moon

Make me think that all of this is coming too soon

Running in circles and getting nowhere

I just want to feel like I'm going somewhere

I shut out the thoughts that bring me my fears

But suddenly all I have to run to are tears

I've been unlucky so many times in the past

And suddenly my world is moving too fast

But I think I have found a way to slow down

Will my feelings be lost to never be found?

j.l.hayes

Master, Oh, Master

MASTER, OH MASTER

I am scared

In this lonely word

Where I feel

I should only be dead

I struggle to survive

But it does me no good

And I only feel

More desolate and frightened

Than I ever have before

Death comes in the night for me

And it's ll that I hoped it would be

The darkness, the coldness, the chill's in my spine

Yet everything just feels so fine

With a sinister grin and a spring in my walk

I leave this place to go and talk

And to find the one that I call master

The one that makes my heart beat faster

I find a new home and I get a new life

And my master, well, he gives me a wife

The wife of a dead man is what he calls her

When I pronounce my love for her at the altar

We are together for many years

Even throughout all of the tears

Until one day she dies

And then once again she lies

Under the ground

Oh, it's so profound

And here I am

Once again

Finding myself scared

j.l.h

Heart Strings

I just had to post today and say that God is definitely in the midst of doing something great in my life. For the last 24 hours, something very strong and close to me has been pulling at my heart strings. I have been lead to a place that I know God has intended for me to be, and I couldn't be happier. So I am diving in head first without even testing the waters. I discovered two great causes last night upon my normal browsing of the Internet, one of which I was already familiar with. One of these is called Mercy Ministries and the other is To Write Love on Her Arms. For more information on these two great causes you may visit www.myspace.com/mercyministriesglobal or www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms . I feel as though I am being led to help in these causes or even to help in whatever ways that I can in relating to these causes. Depression is something that has been a huge part of my life, and I know that I have so much to offer those that are in need. My father was actually the one who recommended Mercy Ministries to me many years ago when I was struggling with my own depression, addictions and yes, suicide. I never did go....I wasn't ready to make that type of commitment to myself. Last night, I stumbled upon a file that was saved to a disk that I haven't used in years. One of the files on this disk was the application for Mercy Ministries. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotions and fears; remembering my troublesome past. It all flashed before my eyes, and it was then that I realized that I had overcome those many obstacles in my life, and it was all but by the Grace of God. Our God is wonderful. He forgives us our sins as long as we just ask him for forgiveness. I have added a new quotes section. If you have a favorite inspirational quote that you think may be of some use to me in this journey, please share it with me and I will add it. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I am sure that I will need it as I drudge up my past in order to pursue the next step in my future.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Cold Tile Floors

In my life time, my heart has been broken many times. But every time I somehow manage to pick up the pieces and mend it back together. Not always is this an easy task. Some breaks are worse then others....especially those breaks that keep happening over and over by the same person. Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship where that exact thing kept happening. And mostly I was the one breaking my own heart. Expecting too much, saying and doing the wrong things. But I am a much better person for the heartbreak and loss. Each time my heart grows back a little stronger. This poem was written during one of these heart breaks....

COLD TILE FLOORS

Dance with me here in the kitchen

In this place we call our home

Let's forget about the bad times

And live in this moment

Let me hold you in my arms

And sway to Sinatra on the record player

I'll spin you and dip you

Till the memories all melt away

Play this little game with me

And pretend we don't have any cares

Your smile could melt my heart 100 times

And your touch is warm and secure

Don't deny me this chance to be close to you

I could whisper in your ear

And tell you what you mean to me

I'm caught up in this moment

My soul feels at peace now

But as soon as this song ends

The dance will be over

And the memories will come back

The pain will reappear

So dance with me now dear

And let us forget

Even if it is only for a moment

j.l.h.

March 23rd, 2003

Favorite Poet

My favorite poet would definitely have to be Percy Bysshe Shelley. He only lived to be 29 years old, but in that amount of time he created some wonderful masterpieces both in fiction and in poetry. He was married three times, and lived and traveled all over Europe; now wouldn' that be the life!! I mean the traveling part....not the being married 3 times! I have included my favorite poem. I am quite the sucker for 19th century poetry....and this is it in it's finest.



The Indian Serenade
by Percy Bysshe Shelley

I arise from dreams of thee
In the first sweet sleep of night,
When the winds are breathing low,
And the stars are shining bright.
I arise from dreams of thee,
And a spirit in my feet
Has led me -who knows how?
To thy chamber-window, Sweet!

The wandering airs they faint
On the dark, the silent stream -
The champak odours fai l
Like sweet thoughts in a dream;
The nightingale's complaint,
It dies upon her heart,
As I must die on thine,
O beloved as thou art!

Oh lift me from the grass!
I die! I faint! I fail!
Let thy love in kisses rain
On my lips and eyelids pale.
My cheek is cold and white, alas!
My heart beats loud and fast;
Oh press it close to thine again,
Where it will break at last!

Lost

This is a poem that I wrote a very long time ago....it was probably one of the very first ones I have ever written, so we are talking about like 1995. There really is no story behind this one. It is one that just came from some place inside of me with no story other then the one that needed to be told in the poem. This was also when I first started writing and thought that all poems had to rhyme. I soon learned that that wasn't the case, as 90% of my poems do not rhyme.

LOST

A lonely girl walks the streets alone,

Looking like nothing but flesh and bone.

Her skin is pale and fair;

Her eyes a ghastly pair.

One eye is black and the other is blue.

Bruises up and down her arms,

Hide what's left of the little girl's charms.

Tears roll down her face in a sheet,

Only to drop on her tiny bare feet.

She scratches her back with her shoe.

She walks through the night and into the day,

Never once stopping for a second to play.

The wind stings her face,

Yet she still hasn't a case.

No mother worries for her.

She is wandering in this terrible place,

Where a child can disappear without even a trace.

She wanders the streets completely alone,

Not having a place to call her own.

Hate is what people prefer.

j.l.h

SPIDERS

So, my husband is out of town at the moment, and he is usually the defender of this castle when it comes to all things icky and bug related. Well, last night, just before I went to bed, I noticed a rather large...yes, spider....crawling on my kitchen ceiling. Now everyone knows that when a bug is on the ceiling, it becomes rather impossible to catch such bug in an easy and unemotional way. Let me just back up and say that I am seriously afraid of spiders...like clam up, break out in sweats at the sight of one, won't go in the room scared. I think that it stems back to an incident where my brother decided to chase me around the house with a very poisonous spider that he had in a jar. So, of course, I couldn't go to bed last night knowing that the evil being was just sitting there waiting for me to turn in so it could suck all my blood from me in the middle of the night! My first plan of attack was to sit there and wish it away. Yes, I actually stood there and asked the spider ever so nicely to crawl back from where it came, into the darkness, where I didn't know it existed. After a few minutes of wishing, it proceeded to repel itself halfway down to the floor, at which point I shrieked and ran for the hills. Upon returning to the scene, the little booger had managed to crawl back up to the ceiling. So, plan B....grab the nearby bottle of 409 and spray it to death. Yeah, such a bad idea. The spray is more of a mist....so I inadvertently, 409'ed my entire kitchen with one spray (the fan was on, it wasn't pretty). The spray never even reached the spider. Plan C, I open up the cabinet under the kitchen sink and low and behold, there is my best friend, the bottle of RAID!! Since said spider was obviously not coming down from his perch on my ceiling, I would have to attack him from his own playing field. The can of RAID I knew had a pretty long spray radius, so standing back from the area of said spider about 15 feet, so as to not be to close for him to land on any part of my body, I pointed the can of RAID, and Blam! Spider is gone! What? Spider is gone, where did it go? It is on my head! I knew it!! No the spider was not on my head and after careful examination of the floor, I saw him struggling for life. I got to hand it to the little guy. He hung on for quite some time. Managed to get about 2 feet from where he landed, until the mighty force of my hand, from behind a long green fly swatter, brought him to his demise. I scooped him up on the end, held him as far away as I could and straight to the trash for you. Now, taking out the trash, will be a whole nother dilemma.....cause he is in there. Yes I know he is dead....it's just the thought. Seriously, I need to seek help!!

My signature

You may notice that on most of my poetry, I have signed it. I am copying and pasting a lot of it from documents that I have saved, so I just cut and paste the whole thing. Before I was married, I always signed my poetry with my intials all in lowercase, or my first 2 intials, and my last name, all in lowercase. I have decided to keep this trend up now that I am married. It is something that I started a long time ago, and it is how I will sign the last poem that I ever write. Capital letters are just so formal to me, and I am anything but a formal person!!

Changing Seasons

I cannot find a date for this poem, but I am guessing it was written around the age of 16 or 17. To give you a little bit of background information, my parents separated when I was 10 and were divorced by the age of 12. My father and my stepmother were married when I was 14, and two years later my first of 3 half brothers was born. To say that I was bitter towards my father and her would be an understatement. Since all of this, we have both been saved and my relationship with my father has never been better. But once, this was the way I felt......

Changing Seasons

The silence falls like leaves all around me
A gentle breeze blows in from the East granting my wish
The tears are dripping down onto the dewy grass
The valley below me is alive with mayhem
And no one realizes that I am gone
The excitement below is quite a remarkable sight
Yet no one questions my disappearance
Isn’t life just like one giant party
Where the host greets the guests with a jubilant smile
And the hostess plays “princess” with the child by her side
The guests are all among the up-and-up
And yet somehow you are invited to this feast
And left out in the cold with nothing to eat
But you know right away that you are the talk of the party
Do they know that when all is said and done
You cry those tears that are so commonly known
And you make those wishes that will never come true
Do they even realize that the last person on their invite list is YOU
What does it take to get noticed ‘round here
Can I help it that I am just so full of fear
It’s not my fault that you made the choice to leave and never come back
It’s not my fault that you chose to start a new life
So why then am I paying the price
For the mistakes that you made in this life
I have feelings and emotions and dreams and fears
But most of all I want to feel like I am important to you
Not like I am a reminder of the troublesome past
Seasons come and they always go
But I will always be yours and you will always be mine
No matter what time of the year it may be



j.l.h.

Afraid to Fall Asleep

Okay, well this poem is a lot more along the lines of what I have typically written. As most of my life has been lived in a state of dark depression and anguish, my poetry tends to lean towards that way of thinking. I have come to find that I do my best writing when I am at the lowest points in my life. Most of my poetry also includes dates when it was written. It helps me to remember that certain time in my life, as I have managed to actually block out most of my life before the age of 22. When there is a date on one of my poems, I will also include my age, so that you may be able to see my life as it unfolds before your very eyes. This particular poem was written at one of my lowest, but not necessarily darkest, times.

Afraid to Fall Asleep

Looking around and learning
Seeing things I’ve never seen before
Wondering what it is that’s behind the next door
A picture says a thousand words
But those words are different to everyone
Building up my garden of lies and truth
Believing that it will grow and prosper
Never thinking that my efforts won’t be enough
Doing it all for the happiness that it brings
The misery soon falls like a bird from the sky
Landing somewhere in the depths of my heart
Misinterpreting the misery for hurt and pain
Questions fill my head with doubt
Worrying won’t get me anywhere
At least not in this dream
Will I soon wake up and say
“What the hell was that?”
Oh please let me wake up soon
Before this dreaming of mine becomes my life



j.l.h.

March 18th, 2002

Age: 20