Letting Go of Fear

LETTING GO OF FEAR

I've always been about the chase

But I seem to forever end up in the same place

I must admit that I am one to fall

I can only say that in this world I feel small

Growing and learning is all I live for

Sometimes I feel like you're closing the door

A door that has been many times shut to me

There are so many possibilities for us that I see

I close my eyes and hope that my intuitions aren't right

That you are not slowly shutting out the light

The blackened sky and the bright shining moon

Make me think that all of this is coming too soon

Running in circles and getting nowhere

I just want to feel like I'm going somewhere

I shut out the thoughts that bring me my fears

But suddenly all I have to run to are tears

I've been unlucky so many times in the past

And suddenly my world is moving too fast

But I think I have found a way to slow down

Will my feelings be lost to never be found?

j.l.hayes

Master, Oh, Master

MASTER, OH MASTER

I am scared

In this lonely word

Where I feel

I should only be dead

I struggle to survive

But it does me no good

And I only feel

More desolate and frightened

Than I ever have before

Death comes in the night for me

And it's ll that I hoped it would be

The darkness, the coldness, the chill's in my spine

Yet everything just feels so fine

With a sinister grin and a spring in my walk

I leave this place to go and talk

And to find the one that I call master

The one that makes my heart beat faster

I find a new home and I get a new life

And my master, well, he gives me a wife

The wife of a dead man is what he calls her

When I pronounce my love for her at the altar

We are together for many years

Even throughout all of the tears

Until one day she dies

And then once again she lies

Under the ground

Oh, it's so profound

And here I am

Once again

Finding myself scared

j.l.h

Heart Strings

I just had to post today and say that God is definitely in the midst of doing something great in my life. For the last 24 hours, something very strong and close to me has been pulling at my heart strings. I have been lead to a place that I know God has intended for me to be, and I couldn't be happier. So I am diving in head first without even testing the waters. I discovered two great causes last night upon my normal browsing of the Internet, one of which I was already familiar with. One of these is called Mercy Ministries and the other is To Write Love on Her Arms. For more information on these two great causes you may visit www.myspace.com/mercyministriesglobal or www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms . I feel as though I am being led to help in these causes or even to help in whatever ways that I can in relating to these causes. Depression is something that has been a huge part of my life, and I know that I have so much to offer those that are in need. My father was actually the one who recommended Mercy Ministries to me many years ago when I was struggling with my own depression, addictions and yes, suicide. I never did go....I wasn't ready to make that type of commitment to myself. Last night, I stumbled upon a file that was saved to a disk that I haven't used in years. One of the files on this disk was the application for Mercy Ministries. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotions and fears; remembering my troublesome past. It all flashed before my eyes, and it was then that I realized that I had overcome those many obstacles in my life, and it was all but by the Grace of God. Our God is wonderful. He forgives us our sins as long as we just ask him for forgiveness. I have added a new quotes section. If you have a favorite inspirational quote that you think may be of some use to me in this journey, please share it with me and I will add it. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I am sure that I will need it as I drudge up my past in order to pursue the next step in my future.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Cold Tile Floors

In my life time, my heart has been broken many times. But every time I somehow manage to pick up the pieces and mend it back together. Not always is this an easy task. Some breaks are worse then others....especially those breaks that keep happening over and over by the same person. Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship where that exact thing kept happening. And mostly I was the one breaking my own heart. Expecting too much, saying and doing the wrong things. But I am a much better person for the heartbreak and loss. Each time my heart grows back a little stronger. This poem was written during one of these heart breaks....

COLD TILE FLOORS

Dance with me here in the kitchen

In this place we call our home

Let's forget about the bad times

And live in this moment

Let me hold you in my arms

And sway to Sinatra on the record player

I'll spin you and dip you

Till the memories all melt away

Play this little game with me

And pretend we don't have any cares

Your smile could melt my heart 100 times

And your touch is warm and secure

Don't deny me this chance to be close to you

I could whisper in your ear

And tell you what you mean to me

I'm caught up in this moment

My soul feels at peace now

But as soon as this song ends

The dance will be over

And the memories will come back

The pain will reappear

So dance with me now dear

And let us forget

Even if it is only for a moment

j.l.h.

March 23rd, 2003