Until the Day I Die

The days turn into nights and still I have not found myself
I was lost in my search for never-ending power, and now, I remain searching for my soul
All hope was and is lost
For I am nowhere to be found
My tears have turned to rivers and streams
And there is no more joy left in my heart
The sadness is overwhelming me, and I'm falling deeper and deeper still
All of this because of you, because of what you to do me
My feelings are arousing inside of me, and I feel as if I'll burst
My life is being destroyed, yet there is nothing I can do
For your power over me surpasses my own
I used to think you were my life, and now I know you're not
For I know that I will go on living without you
Until the very day I die


j.l.hayes

Wow!

Okay so I know that it has been like so long since I have posted anything here. But in my own defense, I have been super busy. My calendar looks like a a prominent CEO's to-do list...okay it's not that bad, but I have really never been this busy with "things" since I can remember. It feels good though to be busy. To be needed and wanted and to actually have a purpose to fulfill other then that of caring for my daughter. Makes me feel like a grown-up again (as if that was possible). I have also been dealing with so many conflicting things in my life. My past has been a huge set back for me lately. As I mentioned a few months ago, the issues of suicide and depression have been pulling at my heart. And in this lesson, i have seen that dealing with my own past demons had been really strange for me. It is especially hard for me, because I no longer see that person in me....that destructive self-hating person that I was. But others till do...even those close to me. Can that mean that I am living in a state of denial? That what I think and feel on the inside is not how the world really perceives me on the outside? To this day, I strongly believe that because of my grandmothers prayers for me, I am alive today. My grandmother passed away in January, and it was very sudden and very hard for all of us. I do know that she prayed for me constantly.....she needed to. I needed someone to pray for me or who knows what might have happened in my life or where I might be....that really is a horrible thing to think about. But because she prayed for me and because the Lord is just and forgives me my sins, I am here. So I have learned, that praying for someone really can bring them out of what ever they may be in. If you know someone who needs help, pray for them. It really is the best thing that you can do for them.

Zoey turns 2 today

Today is Zoey's 2nd birthday and to say that I am in a state of shock would be an understatement. She is growing and changing so fast, and I am afraid that I am not going to be able to keep up. I already see that she is going to have to be one that I keep a constant eye on, for she has no fear, and I worry that as she gets older, that could get her into some sticky situations. I just pray that God will give me the strength to be able to handle all of the little things that she will throw my way, and that i will be able to handle tham with a grain of salt, and not my horrible temper! It really is amazing, these tiny little creatures, children. So full of life and energy. If only I had that much energy! 2 really is such a great age....if you can get by the apprent disobedience and disrespect....but at 2 what do they really know about these things. Thats why it is our jobs as parents to help them through this and come out obedient, self-disciplined, respectful children on the other side. My life isn't perfect...but I wouldn't change a thing!!